Disclaimer: I’m drunk. Also, if you’re an unfortunate person who somehow ended up on this page by the powers of Google, here’s some context for this post.
Jason was texting on his phone as we walked back to the hotel and told me he might have to drive in to work the next day because they were on the cusp of some big drug bust. Although, he used the word “dope,” of course disparagingly. I laughed to myself as I thought about going through the checkpoint in Texas with Colorado bud in my travel trailer. Anyways, he was not supposed to return to work until Monday, and it was Thursday. He was planning his escape after the last name call-out.
So we got back to the hotel and I wanted a drink. We went to the hotel bar and each got a drink and played Jenga and Connect Four, which were both set up in the bar area. At that point, I just wanted to have some fun, I guess… to stop thinking about everything. As absurd as this sounds, I wanted to believe him. Or maybe I really just didn’t want to believe I’d been played a fool. While we played the games, he started acting obnoxious and immature. I lost a game of Jenga and he jumped up and cheered loudly and exclaimed, “How does it feel, LOSER?!” and “In case anyone was wondering, SHE LOST!”
You know, people can be very good about concealing their true colors, for a time. Eventually, they come out. The decorum stops. I don’t wear masks – the person you initially meet is the same person I will be six months from now. Am I naïve to believe that’s the way it should be? That people should just be honest? Cut the crap? Be yourself and let me decide if you are person someone I want in my life. Don’t pretend to be someone you think I’ll like, and then have me begin to fall for you, only to realize I have developed feelings for a fraud. But it’s also possible that at that point, he was just trying to turn me off, or that he just didn’t care because I was on to his lies. I am an idealist. My goddamn idealism really fucks me up sometime. I see the world as good, people as wonderful, life as beautiful – and people, especially, are not always that way. I don’t know if this is a problem with me, with my perspective of the world, if I need to be hardened, to become calloused, to trust less. To be suspicious. Or if this is on the world. And if this is indeed the world’s problem, a flaw in the assholes roaming freely among us, how do I protect myself from them without becoming jaded? How do I maintain my effervescent attitude towards people and life without getting burned?
I walked over to the bar to return our glasses after Jason beat me in a game of pool (he was a very good winner, I’ll give him that) and an old man who had been watching us as we played the games said to me, “You know, that guy you’re with, he’s kind of a jerk.” It was sort of out of left field, as we hadn’t talked to him or anything. But he was right. Jason was a jerk, and he was a liar, and why was I even still hanging out with him? What was my problem? I think it was defeat. I think I was unwilling to accept what I perceived as defeat.
So what did we do next? We got ready and went to dinner, of course. I put on a sexy black romper and he wore slacks and a sport coat. I told him he looked nice and he said, “thanks, so do you.” We walked to a restaurant around the corner. I ordered a vodka tonic and he ordered a water. I asked him if he was going to go back to Lafayette and he nodded, explaining this was some big bust they had been following for months and this guy moved millions of dollars of dope through Lafayette each month. I nodded. I’m pretty sure it was bullshit. Then he went on to tell me he felt no romantic connection with me…that everything was great the first day and then something changed earlier that day, and he didn’t know what it was, but that he wasn’t “feeling it” anymore. I nodded and said, “The change happened when I started asking question. He immediately retorted, “No! That wasn’t it at all. I didn’t care about that. I just don’t feel chemistry with you anymore. It was there the first day, but when I woke up today, I felt differently. That’s why I wasn’t affectionate with you today.”
I took a sip of my drink, and by sip, I mean more like a chug, and said, “I wish I hadn’t slept with you.” I know I’m totally putting myself on front street for the two people who are probably reading my blog, and that’s fine. Sex is a big deal to me, and I was pretty fucking disgusted that I shared my body with this dude. He responded with “I knew you would say that.” Yeah, well, no shit.
So this was it, I was getting rejected. I sat there, incredulously wondering how the fuck he was the one who got to do the rejecting. And he went all out. “You’re a great girl, I’d love to be buddies with you, but I just don’t see anything more than that. You’re more like a buddy.” I sat there in my stilettos and sexy black outfit, perfectly painted lips, platinum Marilyn Monroe hair, and smoky eyes as this dude called me buddy material. The truth was that there was nothing there between us. I read it wrong, and I was most definitely deceived by him. But for him to sit there and tell me that he saw me more as one of the guys… that stung. I’m not one of the guys. I am absolutely, 100% woman. Yes, I like hiking and camping, biking for hours, testing myself physically, making my own money, calling the shots in my life. But my independence does not make me one of the guys. I had an averse reaction to this comment. It made me feel unattractive and insecure.
So anyways, I sat there being rejected, not quite sure how I was the one getting rejected or being called buddy material, but there I was. I told him I understood (what does one say in that situation?) and called over the waiter and asked for the check. Then I paid for my drink and he said “I’m not a jerk, Jessica.” As if he wouldn’t have paid for my drink. I didn’t want him to pay for my drink. So went back to the hotel, he packed up his things, and he left.
After he left, I went down to the hotel bar, had another drink, and made a wonderful friend at the bar. Then I went up to my room, overanalyzed the whole situation in my drunken fury, and finally passed out.
Part 3 coming tomorrow…. Because, there is much more that has developed in the wake of this quite interesting experience. Last night, I flipped the script… and today, I’m flipping it more.
